by Paul Giles
August 18, 2006

TRANSCRIPT OF REPORT TO THE GALACTIC COUNCIL ON THE ABDUCTION OF EARTH CREATURES

Fellow scientists, honored guests, frabbles and grznocks. After 40 blorns, which equal 58 Earth years, I come to you tonight with good tidings. Our survey of the dominant species of that planet is finally complete! (Sustained applause from the audience.) As you know Dr. Trablablab and our team have covertly abducted thousands of humans, or, as he affectionately likes to call them, puss sacks. Our methodology was simple: avoid detection by abducting only those humans found in remote, backwoods areas. We also worked mostly at night, which is why the Council had to pick up such a huge tab for so many cups of claglin. (Laughter from the audience.)

But seriously...we report to you tonight our findings on the biology and habits of the Earth creatures. When we found a human, whether fishing on a small boat or driving some sort of battered and rusted hauling vehicle on a deserted back road, it was usually in a state of semi-stupor from drinking large quantities of a yellow, fermented liquid. We surmised this "beer" had mind-altering effects. This was because on other planets the first questions abductees asked were who we were and where they had been taken. An Earth creature's first question was usually, "Where's the pisser, bubba? I gotta take a wicked one, know what I mean?" We had no idea what they meant.

Humans seem to have anywhere from 7 to 12 teeth in two rows, upper and lower, though there seemed to be space in their mouths for many more. Perhaps those remaining teeth are vestigial. The locations and types of teeth varied from individual to individual, but none of them seemed to have more than one tooth directly at the front and center of the mouth. This made for a disgusting display of tongue and spittle when they spoke.

Anatomically, humans come in two types. One is called male, the other female. It was difficult telling them apart when clothed. At first we thought the females were the only type to have the peculiar mammary glands on their torsos. However we soon discovered that many of the males also grew them, with a general rule being that the more of that beer they liked to consume, the larger the mammaries. Often the males had larger mammaries than the females. This confused us until we discovered the sexual organs.

It took us some time to locate the sexual organs, which on the male is called the penis and the female the vagina, although the males we captured referred to it as the "hoo-ha." Our confusion lay in the unbelievable yet true oddity of the human species: the same organs they use for procreation are also the same organs they use to eliminate certain bodily wastes! (Gasps from audience.) Even more shocking was the pathetic nature of the male sexual organ, which, unlike our own, is measured in mere inches! That may be the reason why not a few of the Earth females looked upon our cramlucks and immediately wanted to know if we were going to mate with them! Even after blorns of scientific isolation on that Earth none of us were that desperate.

Earth creatures mate indiscriminately with anyone available. DNA analysis confirms that the male of the species has sex with not only its own mate, but also with their neighbors' mates, their cousins, daughters and other close relatives. We even took one in the process of mating with a creature they call a pig. We're not sure any offspring are produced through this interspecies mating, but the resemblance between the two is sometimes startling.

And if we thought the sexual organs of the Earthmen were pitiful, their brains are even more pathetic. We began studying them when they learned how to harness the energy of the atom, but we have our doubts they could have discovered the secrets of nuclear power without help. Once on board our ships we'd ask a simple question, like what method they used to determine the critical mass needed to produce a thermonuclear explosion. Their answers of, "Dermy-nu-cu-ler what?" proved their brain capacity was that of a Rigellian on cruplik. (Laughter from audience.) Multidimensional theory, quantum physics and stellar formation were also beyond their reasoning capacity. We decided to ask the same questions of the pig animals, but unlike the humans they were too smart to get caught.

The oxygen-rich atmosphere of Earth meant they didn't have to evolve large lungs. Again there was some confusion as to their breathing apparatus. Our scans showed they could breathe through either their mouths or noses, but for some reason they preferred to use the mouth almost exclusively. Their jaws would hang down slackly while they took short, rasping breaths. Their noses, however, seemed to be a matter of great concern to them, as they were constantly probing inside them with their fingers. Occasionally they would extract a ball of mucus which they would save by wiping it onto the front of their clothing or, believe it or not, eating it. We're not sure why, since the mucus does not seem to have any nutritional value whatsoever.

Then there's the matter of the anal probes. Having had the last 5,000 blorns to perfect our medical science, we can completely scan a living being from naglund to zalich without a physical intrusion of any sort. But for some reason the Earth creatures expected us to insert medical instruments into various orifices. Begged us to, really. While lying on the examination table they'd invariably say something like, "Y'all are gonna do one of them anal probes, ain't ya?" Or, "I figure it's only a matter of time a'fore ya start with them anal probes, huh, Bubba?" This puzzled us, since we assumed a probe in the anus would be uncomfortable, to say the least. We didn't want to agitate the subjects by refusing, so we granted their requests. Performing an anal probe is a distasteful procedure in any event, but on an Earth creature who's been gorging itself on beer and something called pork rinds it's absolutely disgusting!

I would continue with this presentation, but the details are too horrifying to speak of in such genteel company. However, if you insist on pursuing the study of humans, I suggest you read the full report we are about to file. In any case, our conclusion is that humans are too disgusting to use as a food source, so a return to Earth is unnecessary. Thank you.